Freddie G's Blog...

Nonverbal Language in a Struggling Relationship

Effective verbal and nonverbal communication can improve chances for a struggling marriage to recover. Nonverbal language communicates even more messages in a discussion or an argument. It can be intentional or unintentional and interpretations of the speaker’s feelings and emotions result almost completely from the nonverbal aspect of the communication. It is important to understand that nonverbal messages are ambiguous. Depending on the user’s personality, the influence of his or her family, culture, the context of the communication or the relationship itself, a message can be understood or misinterpreted. When interacting, a partner is watching cues such as body position, gestures, facial expressions, vocal tone and appearance.

Nonverbal language actually regulates the interaction. Raised eyebrows, nodding, shrugging shoulders, a change in posture, head movements, decreased eye contact, a contemptuous facial expression ( like rolling one’s eyes)and other expressions determine whether the receiver is ending the talk , guiding it, being responsive, bored, interested or is attempting to move the conversation in a different direction.

Emotions and mood can be hidden or expressed by our nonverbal communication. We show caring with a hug, a smile, a kiss, gazing at the other, sitting closer or spending more time with someone. Sometimes individuals mask their emotions, hiding them, but emotions also leak out unintentionally at times, such as when we blush. Nonverbal language also expresses status, power and control.
Touch, putting part of the body in contact with something, is the first nonverbal communication that we receive in our lives. It is the only way at first that infants can perceive love and comfort. Touching behavior between couples is a fundamental aspect of nonverbal language. For example we use our hands, arms and other parts of our bodies to hug, pat, kiss, slap, pinch, stroke, hold, embrace, tickle and other ways that convey emotions and send messages. The partner with more power may touch first or more.

Voices have a component that is nonverbal also. Paralanguage is comprised of pitch, volume, rate, quality, intonation and vocal interferences. An individual with a high pitched voice might be irritating to listen to. In an argument both males and females may raise their voices in an attempt to intimidate, be heard or because of anger. When a person is afraid or nervous they may speak inordinately fast or alternatively they may come from a region or culture where most people or family members speak quite slowly. Each human voice has a distinct sound. The voice could be raspy, smoky, sound sexy, have a bell-like quality to it, be nasal, or throaty. Some people speak with an intonation that is monotone, others with variety and melody and still others sound childlike. Vocal interferences are sounds or words that interrupt fluent speech. These can become habits and may be annoying. Sometimes they are used as a place mark when we are speaking and trying to think of a word or a way to describe something; they fill the gap so we can continue holding the floor. These fillers that sneak into our speech include sounds and words like: “er”, “uh”, “like”, “well”, “um”, “ya know”, and “OK”.

Personal space and ideas of territory, are in the nonverbal category also. There is a sense of comfortable distance when talking with another person. Personal distance (18 inches to four feet) is usually best for casual conversation. Intimate distance extends to only 18 inches. People make a habit or ritual of using the same chair, changing clothes after work before spending time with one another, using a particular hairbrush or taking a walk alone after dinner, and if a family member, or spouse violates these perceived territories, discomfort is usually observed and often misinterpreted. At times in arguments one partner will step into the other’s personal space. Communication is often hampered by this and can lead to the feeling that someone is “in another person’s face”. If the other person “needs space” to think things over, and one is “in their face”, communication often breaks down.
Even time and the use of time represent messages. If an individual is always late and ready with one excuse or another, others may think that person does not care much about them or that they are unimportant. Another consideration about time is that people are oriented in time to the past or the present or the future and speak this way. It is a psychological state, where a focus on past orientation emphasizes tradition, relives the past, and is nostalgic. A present orientation is expressed in living for the moment, concentrated on the here and now, and focuses on what one is doing or feeling right now. Future orientation is found in the individual who talks about plans for the future, is looking ahead, and considers what will happen later.

When partners are not connecting- take a moment to consider the above possibilities. It might just make a big difference.

Music and the Soul

It’s late afternoon and I wandered out to the patio to write. The warm California sun is still doing its job. I listen to the rhythm of the waterfall tumbling to the pond below and from inside the house the uplifting sounds of flamenco guitar playing fill the rest of space around me.

What made me choose song titles in my book? I am not really a “music person”. I know a few artists from my own era and of course names of popular stars, or at least some of them today. I am not like others who can rattle off the names of songs and who sings them; that’s beyond me.

Emotionally my heart hurts for the people in Japan. It’s cold, grief is among them, lost children, lost homes, lost pets. Maybe I think of music because it fills the spirit. Maybe for me it lessens the heavy burden of worrying. When people are sad or feeling negative they may turn to music. Others will not, preferring silence. For some music will soothe. Or silence will be freedom, an escape of feeling for those who need quiet. Music can just sound like head noise.

Music can create scenarios in our minds, change a mood or intensify it. It makes driving more fun. Company coming…something bright, light and festive goes on. When it’s time to read for pleasure, classical or mystical flutes can conjure up images of wide open plains at sunset, mountain ranges in the far distance. On the way to have fun somewhere, a strong rock beat makes the drive go faster. Conversation with someone you love; the mood is set by instrumental music or the low, lulling voices of those who sing tenderly. Travelling somewhere new, music from other countries opens our senses and brings the excitement of an adventure with it. When the holidays arrive, how joyful it is to fill the air with music just for the season.

I smile to myself, thankful for life, grateful and appreciating that music brings joy, pleasure, soothing, healing and hope.

I wish I could play the piano. I wish I could make music.

Appreciating Language

Language connects us to other people. It’s a way of reinforcing the bond we have with someone we care about. We use electronic means to touch one another throughout the day with our cell phone and texting, Facebook and Twitter. Language helps us to connect; express affection. When we are physically with another person who we love- we show affection to them with smiles, touches, hugs, kisses and verbal communication. We reinforce the nature of our affection by saying, “I love you” or “You are my closest friend.”, “You’re my best pal!” “I like you a lot.” “I don’t know what I would do without you.” We make expressions like this to show how close we feel to others.

Research has found that the more affection spouses communicated to one another during the first two years of marriage, the more likely they were to remain married 13 years later. Given the current divorce rate of 50% or more for first and second marriages, this is a good thing to know. There are also several health benefits from expressing and receiving affection besides increasing endorphin levels that make us feel happy and positive; lowering stress hormones, better cardiovascular health, lower cholesterol, improved ability to recover from stress, lower average blood sugar (a risk factor for diabetes) better mental health, and less risk of developing clinical depression and anxiety (Floyd, 2010).

And let’s not underestimate “comfort”. There are many times when a few caring words, a touch or a sympathetic look, gives us strength. We can soothe a child, offer support to someone suffering emotionally or physically, give aid to someone in severe distress. We send cards to others including electronically to extend messages of comfort. How many times a day do we get e-mail of something funny to brighten our day, or photos of adorable animals to make us smile, or hysterical photos of life around the world with captions that clever individuals think up attached?

Language is used to share social information. Facebook allows us to have little peeks into the lives of others. It also eliminates having to send an e-mail or make a phone call just to check in and see what is going on (something multi-taskers and those among us with perceived limited time like). On Facebook we don’t even have to comment, we can just click the word "Like". It sends a message, without having to actually say anything more than show some approval. We can share secrets and support one another with Instant Messaging.

We use language to convey meaning and being stoic or the silent type and the words we choose to use, does have a downside, but I’ll save that for another post. For today the thought is that giving a little affection verbally, non-verbally or electronically can really brighten someone’s day, express closeness, or just to let someone know you are thinking about them and that you care.

Blind Date...

A number of years ago, I was doing my own talk show on radio and one of the staff members had a son in an alternative rock band. A disc jockey from the FM side had gone to see this drummer perform and mentioned to me his similarity to both Axel Rose and one of the Poison front men. Ah Ha, I thought. My daughter- about 19 then and living on her own, would love to see the band play as she had always claimed as a teenager that she wanted to marry someone in a rock band who apparently looked like this guy. I didn’t expect that to happen of course, but I knew she’d have a fun night out.

The band had a gig in Santa Monica where Michele, my daughter lived. I gave her modeling Zed photo layout to the drummer’s mother who promptly filed it in a desk drawer and forgot about it. When her son, Brent, let her know about their stint in Santa Monica she remembered and told him about Michele. That night my daughter , with her long, dark auburn hair , her appropriate “I am going to a rock band performance"  outfit, walked into the venue with no idea of who to look for. Similarly, Brent stood at the door, trying to guess which woman coming in was Michele.
When their eyes met, they smiled at one another. “Brent?” Michele asked sweetly. “Michele?” he answered pleased. The spark ignited.

Michele and Brent have been married for ten years; have two children, a home, three dogs, 4 cats and two horses. How on earth could I have known?

You never know who your children will marry and often at first glance you might not have chosen the guy with the long blonde hair, tattoos and the black bandana with skulls on it. You might even have counseled against it. Those were not the kind of conservative looking guys I dated back in the time that my parents would have approved of. But I trusted my daughter and her decisions and Brent was a great choice and I am glad I didn’t interfere.

Marriage and family forms are changing. The nature of relationships that last is changing and there are multitudes of circumstances that can disrupt a marriage. I’ve learned a lot to help me with my work from this enduring couple and am glad of it!