Nonverbal Language in a Struggling Relationship

Effective verbal and nonverbal communication can improve chances for a struggling marriage to recover. Nonverbal language communicates even more messages in a discussion or an argument. It can be intentional or unintentional and interpretations of the speaker’s feelings and emotions result almost completely from the nonverbal aspect of the communication. It is important to understand that nonverbal messages are ambiguous. Depending on the user’s personality, the influence of his or her family, culture, the context of the communication or the relationship itself, a message can be understood or misinterpreted. When interacting, a partner is watching cues such as body position, gestures, facial expressions, vocal tone and appearance.

Nonverbal language actually regulates the interaction. Raised eyebrows, nodding, shrugging shoulders, a change in posture, head movements, decreased eye contact, a contemptuous facial expression ( like rolling one’s eyes)and other expressions determine whether the receiver is ending the talk , guiding it, being responsive, bored, interested or is attempting to move the conversation in a different direction.

Emotions and mood can be hidden or expressed by our nonverbal communication. We show caring with a hug, a smile, a kiss, gazing at the other, sitting closer or spending more time with someone. Sometimes individuals mask their emotions, hiding them, but emotions also leak out unintentionally at times, such as when we blush. Nonverbal language also expresses status, power and control.
Touch, putting part of the body in contact with something, is the first nonverbal communication that we receive in our lives. It is the only way at first that infants can perceive love and comfort. Touching behavior between couples is a fundamental aspect of nonverbal language. For example we use our hands, arms and other parts of our bodies to hug, pat, kiss, slap, pinch, stroke, hold, embrace, tickle and other ways that convey emotions and send messages. The partner with more power may touch first or more.

Voices have a component that is nonverbal also. Paralanguage is comprised of pitch, volume, rate, quality, intonation and vocal interferences. An individual with a high pitched voice might be irritating to listen to. In an argument both males and females may raise their voices in an attempt to intimidate, be heard or because of anger. When a person is afraid or nervous they may speak inordinately fast or alternatively they may come from a region or culture where most people or family members speak quite slowly. Each human voice has a distinct sound. The voice could be raspy, smoky, sound sexy, have a bell-like quality to it, be nasal, or throaty. Some people speak with an intonation that is monotone, others with variety and melody and still others sound childlike. Vocal interferences are sounds or words that interrupt fluent speech. These can become habits and may be annoying. Sometimes they are used as a place mark when we are speaking and trying to think of a word or a way to describe something; they fill the gap so we can continue holding the floor. These fillers that sneak into our speech include sounds and words like: “er”, “uh”, “like”, “well”, “um”, “ya know”, and “OK”.

Personal space and ideas of territory, are in the nonverbal category also. There is a sense of comfortable distance when talking with another person. Personal distance (18 inches to four feet) is usually best for casual conversation. Intimate distance extends to only 18 inches. People make a habit or ritual of using the same chair, changing clothes after work before spending time with one another, using a particular hairbrush or taking a walk alone after dinner, and if a family member, or spouse violates these perceived territories, discomfort is usually observed and often misinterpreted. At times in arguments one partner will step into the other’s personal space. Communication is often hampered by this and can lead to the feeling that someone is “in another person’s face”. If the other person “needs space” to think things over, and one is “in their face”, communication often breaks down.
Even time and the use of time represent messages. If an individual is always late and ready with one excuse or another, others may think that person does not care much about them or that they are unimportant. Another consideration about time is that people are oriented in time to the past or the present or the future and speak this way. It is a psychological state, where a focus on past orientation emphasizes tradition, relives the past, and is nostalgic. A present orientation is expressed in living for the moment, concentrated on the here and now, and focuses on what one is doing or feeling right now. Future orientation is found in the individual who talks about plans for the future, is looking ahead, and considers what will happen later.

When partners are not connecting- take a moment to consider the above possibilities. It might just make a big difference.